Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.