@UncleDuke1969

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

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@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@chuuew

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@better_off_dad2

Life is:

•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills

@comotethomas

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

@Gooooats

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.

@Jonesy_donkey

I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this

@fro_vo

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

@buck4itt

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.