@TheToddWilliams

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

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@bencoffeehall

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

@causticbob

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

@KeetPotato

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

@OkigboHTX

Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies

@Vodkantots

My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.

@ClaytonSykes

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@notalogin

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*