@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

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@drayzze

Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.

@KrunkedRobot

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

@stonedcoldlazy

Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.

@AngryRaccoon2

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

@bikwin5

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

@RickAaron

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

@DrDogMD

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@QueenofSparta

Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on