@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

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@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

@gerryhatric

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@

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@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet