@sofarrsogud

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

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@realfunghi

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

@mendigurl

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

@BubblesnBooze

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

@VibesBummer

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

@GibJimson

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

@scrappy_momma

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

@Cheeseboy22

My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor’s back porch! I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s really a marijuana leaf.

@StockSwaff

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.