@realfunghi
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
@sofarrsogud
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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@realfunghi
@mendigurl
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
@BubblesnBooze
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
@VibesBummer
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
@GibJimson
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
@scrappy_momma
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
@CrunkDriver
Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?
@Cheeseboy22
My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor’s back porch! I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s really a marijuana leaf.
@StockSwaff
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
@NoTheOtherJohn
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.