Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked
Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…
Learned that one the hard way.
All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.