Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Me: Here ya go.

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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?


Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”


How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1


Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked


Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.


All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.


Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.


Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy


My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.