boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
You Might Also Like
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
new wife guy just dropped
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…