Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
You Might Also Like
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?