Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need