She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
based al yankovic
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that