Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
No regrets in 2018
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍