date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Why am I like this?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?