Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
Welcome to the first and last meeting of Ghosters Anonymous
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”