Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.