Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.