I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.