son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“What movie?” 🤔
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.