ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My voicemail greeting:
Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah