@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

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@ArfMeasures

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

@UnicornSyrup

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

@themessednest

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

@FU_TangClan

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah