Silence is golden…
But duct tape is silver.
Son: Why are we doing this?
Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have
Daughter: Well I’m mortified
Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!
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According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.
God: make alcohol really fun
Angel: haha ok
God: but it makes them stupid
Angel: i dont know if-
God: and if they have too much they die
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike