@Browtweaten

Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

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@TheMichaelRock

According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.

*shrugs*

@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die

@Darlainky

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

@yoyoha

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

@jake_likes_naps

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@Reverend_Scott

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

@AristotlesNZ

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike