I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
You Might Also Like
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Smile they said.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE