[watching Avatar for the first time]
girlfriend: this is amazing
me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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.. do you even science?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over
does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.