@iwearaonesie

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

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@sonictyrant

[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

@FredTaming

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

@SimplySnaccbar

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

@bromanconsul

hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@MomOnFire

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

@sucittaM

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.