@notacroc

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@QwertyJones3

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@Scdavis24

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.

@shopkins776

*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.