Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ME: I’m not sure
Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”
She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.
My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.