@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

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@dubstep4dads

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

@0point5twins

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@jergarl

87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@MafiaJoker78

I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.

@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

@incorrectmarvel

your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man