son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow