Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?