“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?