@animaldrumss

son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

You Might Also Like

@imdaintyaf

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

@girlnarly

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

@SirEviscerate

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@ArfMeasures

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

@Sassafrantz

[text]
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”

@stuckinaportal

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

@joeldanger

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account