son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too


Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs


ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.


[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!


Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.


A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.


[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]


Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is


Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety