After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
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Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?