@DaddyJew

Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room

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@david8hughes

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

@Robert_Beau

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

@petemandik

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?

Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Wife: aw I love that movie!

Me: what movie?

Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?

@darksidedeb

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

@beisswrandon

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

@boogersincoffee

i hate when you google stuff like ‘insidious’ it gives you the definition but when you google ‘butt’ it doesn’t. define butt for me damn it

@CouchPotShots

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!