@LlamaInaTux

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

- @LlamaInaTux

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

@mikealfredcaine

my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@RichardDreyfuss

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

@FatherWithTwins

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

@iwearaonesie

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

@T_N_Crumpets

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

@surrealvehicle

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

@Jessberrie

I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob