“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

- @LlamaInaTux

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Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock


my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying “jeff is dead” so they know what the flowers are for


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.


Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.


me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep


Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7


[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this


I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob