“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Body by cheese-puffs.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door