Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.