Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]



I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.


My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic


You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.


Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.


This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?


Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.


the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together