Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You Might Also Like
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.