Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You Might Also Like
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***
I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.
78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him
me: [sighing] ok so ur mom’s a narc
A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.