@AmishPornStar1

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

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@JaiWalker

Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

@Easy_Tiger__

People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@dumbbeezie

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

@chuuew

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.