Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

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Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.


The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.


One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.


People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.


Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything


Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.


Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos


After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.


What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us


The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.