Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
You Might Also Like
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.