“You called about a break-in?”
“Just some food.”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?
Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Cantaloupe… or Wontaloupe?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.
me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family
EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?
PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”
What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”