@iGreenMonk

Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?

Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.

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@rachelaxler

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

@pinupteacher

I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.

@mattZillaaaa

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

@RacesTacoTrucks

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

@traciebreaux

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

@heyitsJudeD

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

@LizHackett

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.