Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?

Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.

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“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”


My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.


Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.


I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.


Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.


me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ


PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family

EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?

PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No


What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”