@iGreenMonk

Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?

Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.

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@UncleDuke1969

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@lmegordon

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

@WheelTod

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

@LizHackett

Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@TheHyyyype

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@therealeatwood

PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family

EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?

PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No

@TheAlexNevil

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”