[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
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sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.