Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??