[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Follow me for more fitness tips.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time