[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I saw nothing
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.