[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind