@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

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@heyitsJudeD

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

@rcromwell4

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

@AshleyFrankly

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@lazerdoov

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

@WritePlay

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

@gm_cage

I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..

@bartandsoul

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?