[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

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Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?


Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.


Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.


Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?


Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.


When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.


I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..


Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?