[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.