[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.


Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.


My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.


Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.


I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”


dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real


There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.


You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.


To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.