[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.