@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

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@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

@WyldViolet

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

@WilliamAder

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

@SeanSchofer

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

@MaraWilson

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@sixfootcandy

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.