Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!