@PaperWash

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

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@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁

@Mom_Overboard

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@ObscureGent

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

@K49HAS_

“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”

me:

@100DollarChill

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?

(??_?)

Tell your friends”

@lecalabara

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

@WilliamAder

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

@ticknada

Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.