Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Ferrari squats
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I think I’m having a stroke
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”