Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

You Might Also Like


Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue


A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.


just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend


I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.


Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.


GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE


If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.