
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Now out
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
C: Why
M: Something about her water breaking