Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
me: are u Scottish
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking