@TheToddWilliams
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
@Beatonm5
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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@TheToddWilliams
@bathflyer
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
@GawdOffalTweets
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
@sixfootcandy
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
@Jake_Vig
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
@Brianhopecomedy
Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.
@SirEviscerate
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
@DudeImShawn
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
@Eagle_Vision
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
@Tmoney68
My background check bounced.