@Beatonm5

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

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@TheToddWilliams

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

@bathflyer

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

@SirEviscerate

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

@DudeImShawn

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.