Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer