@HousewifeOfHell

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

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@skyington

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

@jennyjaffe

“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

@Goddamnit_Jason

BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

@liv_thatsme

As a kid, I refused to sing “rain rain go away” because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I’m not easy-going.

@CakeThrottle

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

@CrystalTheRed

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

@TheMichaelRock

If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they’d sell drugs and alcohol.