Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

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[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?


[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME


My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.


Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.


My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?


Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?


I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.


The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.