“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.