@AdamShaftoe

Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

You Might Also Like

@bossy_bootz

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

@kyry5

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

@mommy_cusses

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@Lord_Voldemort7

Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.