Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.