SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Follow me for more recipes
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
#damn
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.