@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

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@UnFitz

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@sock_holliday

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

@mattsurely

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@Kryzazy

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@Uniquicorn

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear