“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

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[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark


[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are


I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?


HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!


I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].


If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.


“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief


Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.


How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”