“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.


Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”


YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud


[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*


Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*


“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?


You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers


I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.


What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?


*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear