“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right