sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid