My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My dad teaching me to drive
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out