Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Perfection.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Not recommended for beginners.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”