[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.