[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The best plant holders?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos