Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…