The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m Sold!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.