Sorry about the typos lately you gays.

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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’


Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.


5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”


I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.


My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness


Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.


next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy


Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.


“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*